I have been reading Ecclesiastes this past week and a specific verse caught my attention and has been on my mind ever since.

"Better is the end of a thing than its beginning." Ecclesiastes 5:17

When I read this verse it made me think of my life as a child of God, as a wife and then as a mother. I think about how I've started out in each of these areas and how I've grown and changed since I began. In the beginning of motherhood I was clumsy, stressed and uncertain. Of course I loved my boy, but I hadn't been a mommy before so I had to learn on the job. Today, seven months in and with a lot of prayer and help from Jesus, I'm a better mommy then when I began, more patient and skilled, not perfect, but further down the path.

As a wife as well I am better today than when we first said "I do". I was excited and fearless at the start, full of love and ideas of how a perfect marriage should be, but then reality hit and I was forced to face my sin and my selfishness. I've changed along the way and had to apologize A LOT, but by the grace of God I've also discovered a stronger, more pure love for my husband and become a better wife. I'm deeply in love with Ryan, more than before, but I've still got a lot to learn and a long, hard, beautiful journey ahead.

Similarly, when I gave my life to Jesus I was full of passion for his gospel but I was terribly immature and not always a great reflection of Christ to those around me. But that was just the beginning, His work in me had just been born. Today I am different, not perfect, still requiring a lot of refining and chipping away, but I'm closer to the Lord and a little closer to who he wants me to be.

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

So the verse in Ecclesiastes gives me hope and comfort for the future. I am not the best wife or mother or child of God right now but "better is the end of a thing than its beginning" so I'm looking forward to the end....which will really just be another beginning.

Ok I want to preface this post by stating very clearly that I do not watch Dr. Phil and I do not condone watching his show because I think it is just a classed up version of the Jerry Springer show (my opinion).

With that said, I was feeling a little sick today and this afternoon all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep...which obviously is impossible with a little one. So instead of retreating to bed I decided to veg on the couch and watch a little mindless TV while James played on the floor beside me. I was going through the guide on our cable when I came to Dr. Phil (who I would normally pass over) when I read the title of the show and got curious.

The title of his show was something to the affect of "Forced to be a Father" which made no sense to me so I clicked it on to understand. After ten minutes of watching I was filled with despair and couldn't watch anymore....which reminded me why I don't like Dr. Phil.

The man on the show was trying to get out of paying child support because his ex-girlfriend gave birth to a child that he did not want. He said that he didn't think he should have to pay child support because he was under the impression that his ex could not have children when they were together and when she became pregnant he told her he didn't want anything to do with the baby. Now he is having to pay every month for a child that he has never even held and he feels like this is an injustice because it is sending him to the poor house.

As I said I could only watch for about ten minutes but in that time two emotions came over me in full force. #1 Anger and #2 sadness.

Anger:
I am angry with the world that thinks it is ok to treat sex like a casual interaction that has no consequences. I wish I could talk some sense into my former self who made mistake after mistake with men before Jesus saved me from myself. I wish I could go back in time and take back every sexual encounter that I had before marrying Ryan and know that my body is his alone. I wish I could explain to the old me that I would one day be haunted by thoughts and images of what I have done. I pray that I can use my life as an example to my kids and teach them to wait until they are married to share this part of themselves.

Sadness:
I feel sad for the woman who is raising a baby on her own without a Daddy, although I am so thankful that she chose to have the baby; I feel sad for the little girl who will grow up knowing that her father doesn't love her nor does he want anything to do with her, and honestly I also feel sad for this man. I am sad that he doesn't see the precious gift he has been given and sad that one day in the future he will be heartbroken when he realizes what he has done.

The world is a crazy place and I feel like every day I am introduced to a new brand of crazy that breaks my heart. I pray for these people and that they will come to know Jesus as their lord and savior and that he will redeem this situation, as only he can.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.

On Christ, the solid rock , I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

Unfortunately not everyone who knows me knows the depth of my faith but I can tell you that the words in this song express the feelings in my heart better than my own words ever could.

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness!

I have decided to start this blog of my very own because lately I am filled with a desire to write about what is going on in my head and in my heart and our family blog just doesn't seem like the place for that to happen.

So here the journey begins, no holding back, you better get ready.