I am learning a lot about loving people lately and I'm learning that there is a lot more to love than I had thought.

There's a passage in the Gospel of Matthew where Jesus talks about the day of judgment when each of us will stand before the Lord and Jesus will welcome those who know him into his fold and cast those who don't into hell.

In this passage Jesus tells his sheep (those who know and love him) that they fed him when he was hungry, clothed him when he was naked, visited him when he was sick or in prison etc. Jesus says that the people will question him, saying "Lord when did we see you sick or in prison to visit you?" and he answers them saying "Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me." This is love.

I read that verse a few weeks back and ever since I have been praying that Jesus would give me his eyes for the world. I have been praying that he would break my heart for what breaks his and show me how to love people as if each one of them was him in front of me.

There's a great song that we sing at church called Hosanna and this one part always gets me and is exactly what I'm talking about here:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity

So I've been praying for this but I didn't expect to feel what I've been feeling. I thought that loving people the way Jesus loves people would be all joy filled and happy, a great way to go about my day as if I'm snow white singing to the animals in the forest. I was wrong, it's far more painful.

Instead the Lord has really burdened my heart for the world, and it hurts. He's broken my heart for what breaks his and now two out of the past three nights I've gone to bed sobbing through my prayers at the thought of all the sin and brokenness in everyone around me and in our world today.

Then this morning I read this verse in Philippians:

"For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake.." Philippians 1:29

This made me think about my prayer and loving people. Not only will I suffer for Christ because I love him more than anything and just by that very statement I will be persecuted by those who do not, but also I'll suffer in my loving others on his behalf.

I cannot explain this faith that is inside of me, the way Jesus changed me five years ago when he came into my life, showed me my sin and my need for him and ultimately saved me from hell; but I know that it's real and that it's never going to go away. I lay in bed at night lately agonizing over those around me, people that I love dearly, and even those that I don't, who don't know Jesus. I can't stop thinking about the fiery hell that they will one day endure, forever, unless they give their lives to Jesus.

My heart aches because I can see the sin in their lives, the brokenness and I know the only answer is Jesus, the only true joy is Jesus and the only way to redemption and salvation is Jesus....and most likely they see me as a bible thumping idiot.

The truth is that I love them, I love you, so much so that I suffer now on your behalf. I suffer in my prayers and in my day because I want you to be with me one day in heaven, on that judgment day when Jesus says welcome home.

So that's where I am this week. I'm exhausted, I'm sad for the world and all of the lies that Satan is telling and people are believing, but I love Jesus so I'll be thanking him through my tears.

Here's a video of the song Hosanna, I hope it hits your heart the way it does mine:

I have always had a sense of entitlement, a feeling of superiority or as the world would call it, a confidence in myself. It sounds disgusting, and it is, but I'm just being honest. No matter what I was doing or involved in I have always had an underlying feeling that I was better at it than most, and I usually had about six reasons up my sleeve as to why person X or person Y needed to change...but not me.

I was the youngest in my family and yet I was the bossiest. I, for some reason, felt like it was okay to tell my sister, brother, mother and father, what was what and where to go. I remember my catch phrase growing up was "I know, I know!" whenever my Mom would try to impart some wisdom or teach me something she felt I didn't know. I was stubborn and self-righteous and I still am.

When I gave my life to Jesus and he saved me from hell, he thankfully also saved me from myself. He did strip me of a lot of this superiority and self-righteousness but I am still in my flesh on this earth and lately I've seen how much of this selfishness is still in me.

Lately I have been attacking the word, reading my bible with new eyes and with real intentionality and, surprise, surprise (feel the sarcastic tone here), I have been hearing from the Lord a lot! I am praising the Lord for this and I have to confess that a lot of what I'm seeing, a lot of what He's revealing to me, is my ugliness, my pride, and my desire to not only be the best but to somehow let everyone in the world see that I am the best. Yuck!

Here's a piece of scripture that really spoke to me recently and sort of rocked my world:

"Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." Matthew 6:1-2

In a lot of my life I am one of those hypocrites in the streets. I do have a real God given desire to do good and love others well but I also really want others to know and see me doing these things. Ugh, kinda takes away from the good deed altogether.

Here's another one that hit me the other day and made me feel a little sick because I knew the Lord was speaking directly to me:

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness." Matthew 23:27-28

I read this and felt a little bit empty. I am in many ways this beautiful whitewashed tomb that is filled with death and cob webs. Upon reading this passage and feeling its weight I had to stop and pray. I know that my heart belongs to Jesus and that my sins are forgiven, past, present and future, but I also know that he wants me to grow in my faith and to do this I have to see the sin of my flesh and repent, give my sin to him, so that he can bear the burden and change my heart.

So with this new revelation about myself I am praising the Lord and I'm excited to see what he is going to do in my life. I don't feel defeated or disheartened by this propensity that I have to be self-righteous but instead I am confident in Jesus and that he will weed it out of my heart, even if that takes the rest of my life. I am on a journey with Jesus.