I have always had a sense of entitlement, a feeling of superiority or as the world would call it, a confidence in myself. It sounds disgusting, and it is, but I'm just being honest. No matter what I was doing or involved in I have always had an underlying feeling that I was better at it than most, and I usually had about six reasons up my sleeve as to why person X or person Y needed to change...but not me.

I was the youngest in my family and yet I was the bossiest. I, for some reason, felt like it was okay to tell my sister, brother, mother and father, what was what and where to go. I remember my catch phrase growing up was "I know, I know!" whenever my Mom would try to impart some wisdom or teach me something she felt I didn't know. I was stubborn and self-righteous and I still am.

When I gave my life to Jesus and he saved me from hell, he thankfully also saved me from myself. He did strip me of a lot of this superiority and self-righteousness but I am still in my flesh on this earth and lately I've seen how much of this selfishness is still in me.

Lately I have been attacking the word, reading my bible with new eyes and with real intentionality and, surprise, surprise (feel the sarcastic tone here), I have been hearing from the Lord a lot! I am praising the Lord for this and I have to confess that a lot of what I'm seeing, a lot of what He's revealing to me, is my ugliness, my pride, and my desire to not only be the best but to somehow let everyone in the world see that I am the best. Yuck!

Here's a piece of scripture that really spoke to me recently and sort of rocked my world:

"Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." Matthew 6:1-2

In a lot of my life I am one of those hypocrites in the streets. I do have a real God given desire to do good and love others well but I also really want others to know and see me doing these things. Ugh, kinda takes away from the good deed altogether.

Here's another one that hit me the other day and made me feel a little sick because I knew the Lord was speaking directly to me:

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness." Matthew 23:27-28

I read this and felt a little bit empty. I am in many ways this beautiful whitewashed tomb that is filled with death and cob webs. Upon reading this passage and feeling its weight I had to stop and pray. I know that my heart belongs to Jesus and that my sins are forgiven, past, present and future, but I also know that he wants me to grow in my faith and to do this I have to see the sin of my flesh and repent, give my sin to him, so that he can bear the burden and change my heart.

So with this new revelation about myself I am praising the Lord and I'm excited to see what he is going to do in my life. I don't feel defeated or disheartened by this propensity that I have to be self-righteous but instead I am confident in Jesus and that he will weed it out of my heart, even if that takes the rest of my life. I am on a journey with Jesus.