I am learning a lot about loving people lately and I'm learning that there is a lot more to love than I had thought.

There's a passage in the Gospel of Matthew where Jesus talks about the day of judgment when each of us will stand before the Lord and Jesus will welcome those who know him into his fold and cast those who don't into hell.

In this passage Jesus tells his sheep (those who know and love him) that they fed him when he was hungry, clothed him when he was naked, visited him when he was sick or in prison etc. Jesus says that the people will question him, saying "Lord when did we see you sick or in prison to visit you?" and he answers them saying "Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me." This is love.

I read that verse a few weeks back and ever since I have been praying that Jesus would give me his eyes for the world. I have been praying that he would break my heart for what breaks his and show me how to love people as if each one of them was him in front of me.

There's a great song that we sing at church called Hosanna and this one part always gets me and is exactly what I'm talking about here:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity

So I've been praying for this but I didn't expect to feel what I've been feeling. I thought that loving people the way Jesus loves people would be all joy filled and happy, a great way to go about my day as if I'm snow white singing to the animals in the forest. I was wrong, it's far more painful.

Instead the Lord has really burdened my heart for the world, and it hurts. He's broken my heart for what breaks his and now two out of the past three nights I've gone to bed sobbing through my prayers at the thought of all the sin and brokenness in everyone around me and in our world today.

Then this morning I read this verse in Philippians:

"For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake.." Philippians 1:29

This made me think about my prayer and loving people. Not only will I suffer for Christ because I love him more than anything and just by that very statement I will be persecuted by those who do not, but also I'll suffer in my loving others on his behalf.

I cannot explain this faith that is inside of me, the way Jesus changed me five years ago when he came into my life, showed me my sin and my need for him and ultimately saved me from hell; but I know that it's real and that it's never going to go away. I lay in bed at night lately agonizing over those around me, people that I love dearly, and even those that I don't, who don't know Jesus. I can't stop thinking about the fiery hell that they will one day endure, forever, unless they give their lives to Jesus.

My heart aches because I can see the sin in their lives, the brokenness and I know the only answer is Jesus, the only true joy is Jesus and the only way to redemption and salvation is Jesus....and most likely they see me as a bible thumping idiot.

The truth is that I love them, I love you, so much so that I suffer now on your behalf. I suffer in my prayers and in my day because I want you to be with me one day in heaven, on that judgment day when Jesus says welcome home.

So that's where I am this week. I'm exhausted, I'm sad for the world and all of the lies that Satan is telling and people are believing, but I love Jesus so I'll be thanking him through my tears.

Here's a video of the song Hosanna, I hope it hits your heart the way it does mine:

I have always had a sense of entitlement, a feeling of superiority or as the world would call it, a confidence in myself. It sounds disgusting, and it is, but I'm just being honest. No matter what I was doing or involved in I have always had an underlying feeling that I was better at it than most, and I usually had about six reasons up my sleeve as to why person X or person Y needed to change...but not me.

I was the youngest in my family and yet I was the bossiest. I, for some reason, felt like it was okay to tell my sister, brother, mother and father, what was what and where to go. I remember my catch phrase growing up was "I know, I know!" whenever my Mom would try to impart some wisdom or teach me something she felt I didn't know. I was stubborn and self-righteous and I still am.

When I gave my life to Jesus and he saved me from hell, he thankfully also saved me from myself. He did strip me of a lot of this superiority and self-righteousness but I am still in my flesh on this earth and lately I've seen how much of this selfishness is still in me.

Lately I have been attacking the word, reading my bible with new eyes and with real intentionality and, surprise, surprise (feel the sarcastic tone here), I have been hearing from the Lord a lot! I am praising the Lord for this and I have to confess that a lot of what I'm seeing, a lot of what He's revealing to me, is my ugliness, my pride, and my desire to not only be the best but to somehow let everyone in the world see that I am the best. Yuck!

Here's a piece of scripture that really spoke to me recently and sort of rocked my world:

"Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." Matthew 6:1-2

In a lot of my life I am one of those hypocrites in the streets. I do have a real God given desire to do good and love others well but I also really want others to know and see me doing these things. Ugh, kinda takes away from the good deed altogether.

Here's another one that hit me the other day and made me feel a little sick because I knew the Lord was speaking directly to me:

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness." Matthew 23:27-28

I read this and felt a little bit empty. I am in many ways this beautiful whitewashed tomb that is filled with death and cob webs. Upon reading this passage and feeling its weight I had to stop and pray. I know that my heart belongs to Jesus and that my sins are forgiven, past, present and future, but I also know that he wants me to grow in my faith and to do this I have to see the sin of my flesh and repent, give my sin to him, so that he can bear the burden and change my heart.

So with this new revelation about myself I am praising the Lord and I'm excited to see what he is going to do in my life. I don't feel defeated or disheartened by this propensity that I have to be self-righteous but instead I am confident in Jesus and that he will weed it out of my heart, even if that takes the rest of my life. I am on a journey with Jesus.

(Ok so I wrote this months ago and must have forgotten to post it! I guess I had pregnancy brain even back then.)

I was reading some C.S. Lewis the other night and I came across this quote which actually brought me to tears (easier to do these days with the pregnancy hormones but still...).

When you teach a child writing, you hold its hand while it forms the letters: that is, it forms the letters because you are forming them. We love and reason because God loves and reasons and holds our hand while we do it. (Mere Christianity)

Sometimes I forget that God is our Father and that he is a perfect Father. I forget that he loves us the way a father does which means at times he will discipline us when we need it, but perfectly and in love. Most of all I forget that he will guide us through life if we are willing to listen to him. "The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise." (Proverbs 15:31) But no matter what the situation we find ourselves in he is always holding our hand and giving us pieces of himself to help us.

The imagery of God holding my hand, always with me and guiding me by giving me his character and his love, has really helped me this week. The past week I have seen some things in myself that I really haven't liked, some serious areas of sin that need weeding out. Normally when I come to a place where I acknowledge sin in my life I feel defeated and broken down, but this time, knowing that my Father is holding my hand and guiding me out of my sin, I feel humbled and at peace, I have hope.

I have come to Jesus, I am asking for forgiveness and I am confident that over time my Father will pull me out with his strength, grasping my hand with a grip that will not be broken. I know that I can't do any of this without my Father, without my Jesus and without the Holy Spirit who lives in me and shows me the way and I am forever thankful that I am in the right hands.

C.S. Lewis said is well but God himself says it so much better:

and another goodie:

For the past week the hymn "It is well with my soul" has been running through my mind. I remember hearing an incredible story awhile back about this hymn but the details were fuzzy so I looked it up. Perhaps that was God's providence because I have also been pondering the concept of identity a lot lately and as it turns out the two are very connected. Let me explain.

The hymn "It is well with my soul" was written by a man named Horatio Spafford. In 1871 Spafford's wife and four daughters were on a ship headed from the US to Europe that collided with another vessel and sunk. By the grace of God his wife, Anna, survived the shipwreck but their four daughters did not survive. After the loss of his four daughters Spafford, who loved Jesus, wrote this hymn praising God.

Here are the Lyrics:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
* Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

So here's where identity comes into play. I am sure Mr. Spafford was devastated by the loss of his four precious babies, I cannot even imagine that pain, but even so he was able to say that God is good and that Jesus is Lord. In the midst of his pain he was able to write a beautiful song praising Jesus and proclaiming that it was well with his soul because Jesus was bigger and more important than anything else in his life. His identity, ultimately, was in Jesus and not in his daughters, his wife or any other created thing. Amazing.

Today when I got to church the first song we sang was "It is well with my soul" and the sermon was incredible and all about our identity in Christ and the glory of God. Amazing, I love how the Lord weaves our lives together day by day.

With all of this said I've been thinking about my own identity lately and what that means. In my life I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a home builder; I have been a worker, a student and so many other things but none of these things can be who I am. If I claim any one of these things as my identity, put all of my hope in one, I will ultimately be let down. None of these things can truly fulfill me because they are not God.

If Spafford had put all of his hope in his children he never would have written this hymn. If he had made his life about being their father and invested all of his hope and joy in them and their future then his world would have ended when their lives did. He probably would have grown bitter and angry and perhaps taken his own life as a result of their loss, but he didn't. He didn't because his identity was in the only thing that cannot and will not fail you, ever, Jesus.

So even though I am a mother and a wife and it would be so easy for me to put my hope in Ryan or my babies, to make my world all about them, I can't. Ryan has in the past and will continue to, let me down at times (as I have, and will him) and the same goes for my children. God is the only one who will never leave me or forsake me because I have put my hope in Jesus, his son who died for my sins and rose from death because he is God.

I can't claim that I will live a perfect life, in fact I can guarantee that I will not, but I can say that my hope is in Jesus. I pray that I do not have to endure the tragedy that Spafford endured but I also pray that no matter the trials I face I will always be able to say that God is good, Jesus is my savior and it is well with my soul.

I was reading through Joshua today and I couldn't help but marvel at how God helped Joshua and the Israelites conquer Jericho.

When I face a problem (not that any of mine are as big and scary as trying to conquer a city like Jericho) I look at it from the most logical angle, sort out the options and details and rush head on in to try to fix it...logically. But God doesn't always work like that and truthfully I need to be relying on my faith more than logic.

God told Joshua to march around Jericho for seven days with the Israelites and on the seventh day to shout at the top of their lungs. God told them that if they did as he instructed then the walls of Jericho would crumble at their shouting....and it worked! Amazing.

For awhile now I've been facing my own mini Jericho, a bunch of walls in my way that seemed impermeable. I could see the promised land, a place where I knew I wanted to be and where I really felt the Lord was calling me to be but there were too many road blocks. I had no logical solution on how to get from A to B but I did have faith in the Lord. So I started to pray and have been waiting and praying ever since.

I've been waiting on the Lord for some time now....and not so patiently all of the time. My plans to break down the walls fell short and I knew all I could do was wait. He hears my prayers and knows what I need better than I do so all I could do was have faith and wait.

As time has gone on the walls that once stood in my way have crumbled at my feet. Not all at once and not in the way that I thought they would, but bit by bit, stone by stone and by methods I could never have imagined he has brought me through. Today I am where I felt he was calling me to be and I didn't do anything to get here, it was all Him. God gets all the glory for defeating my Jericho.

If the past year has taught me anything it's that God knows so much better than I do. Although he usually has a different way of going about things than I would, his way is perfect and mine is flawed. Although I may not always love the path he leads me down, I at least know I have Jesus at my side the whole way and I am going to learn and grow as a result.

Thank you Lord for this calling you have given me and for providing in the way that you do.

I'm building a home. Not a house of brick and mortor, dry wall and beams, but a home for our family that glorifies God. Our home is being built on a rock, Jesus is our corner stone, and our home is being pieced together day by day, hour by hour, and prayer by prayer.

"By wisdom a house is built,and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches." Proverbs 24:3-4

Lately the Lord has placed a huge burden on my heart to be more intentional about our home, our children, my husband and most importantly my walk with Jesus. I have always been a sort of fly by the seat of my pants kind of person. I've had enough structure and organization in my life to look good and not be labeled a slob or a sluggard, but in reality that is what I am.

Most of my life I have been a very good deceiver, a liar with crafty ways of making it look like I've had it all together. The truth however is that there is usually a lot of chaos in my home, in my mind and in my heart.....and it is almost all a product of my poor planning and laziness. (Please don't post comments about this saying that you disagree and think that I'm great. I'm sharing my heart here, the truth, and what the Lord is working on within me right now so it's ok. I am actually happy to admit this because now that I've owned up to it and I am talking to Jesus about it, he's changing me.)

For a while the flexible Annie, fun-loving and easy going, sort of worked, sort of. But now that our family is growing and becoming increasingly more complicated I've noticed that I'm failing. I'm failing at being a wife who pursues her husband and gets to know what is going on in his heart and his head, instead just making sure the facade looks good, lunch packed, laundry done, dinner made etc.....and even with that I've been failing. I've been failing at being a mom who teaches well and loves well. I've been failing as a friend to those around me, thinking of myself before anyone else. And most of all, and most shameful of all, I have been failing as a worshiper of my sweet Jesus. I've made selfishness and comfort my God and put Jesus on the shelf along with a dusty bible and unprayed prayers.

So I'm building a home, a new home, and Jesus is my architect. The holy spirit has burdened my heart and my amazing Jesus, who forgives and gives grace abundantly, is saving me from myself...once again. He has taken this lazy, prideful failure and renewed me. He has given me a very strong desire to sluff off the lazy sluggard, the lying comfort seeker that I was, and work hard every day on my home and my family.

I have so much more to say about this, so much that I'm learning and I'm excited about but instead I'll leave you with this, think of it as the foundation. The cement has been poured and is hardening, becoming a solid foundation for my home and soon I'll begin to frame it.

"Prepare your work outside;get everything ready for yourself in the field,and after that build your house." Proverbs 24:27

I just saw this article and it breaks my heart. The article is about a doctor who performed abortions, specifically late term abortions, who was shot and killed outside his church. This isn't right.

I don't agree with abortion however I also don't agree with killing the people who perform them. I am praying for his family and for those around him.

(Sorry for the blog silence folks. Between morning sickness and the usual riggers of life with a 1 year old I am just now starting to get back to normal.....whatever normal is.)

Our little boy has come to a point in his tiny life where his sinful heart is beginning to show through and he needs discipline. The bible says that we are all sinners from birth and we all fall short of the glory of God, even cute little one year olds.

Because our boy is growing up and needs guidance from his parents I have felt it exceedingly necessary lately to learn all that I can about what God says about disciplining a child and not what the world says.

The world tells me that as long as my child is well behaved and grows to be a good member of society then I've done my job, well done me!

Well that's a bunch of BS.

What I am learning from reading my bible as well as a couple key books written by christian authors is that God wants my child to honor and obey Him and always seek Jesus. It's not just about their behavior but more about my child's heart....which is where all of our behavior stems.

Today while reading a book on biblical discipline it dawned on me that this heart thing is still something that I'm learning and probably will be for the rest of my life. On the outside I was acting very gracious and kind toward those around me. I appeared to be a saintly wife and mom but in truth my heart was in an ugly place. I was harboring some serious resentment toward someone I love all because I felt wronged by them. On the outside I was behaving well, acting like everything was great, but my heart was in a dark and angry place.

Enter prayer, repentance and a very humbling moment where I realized how much I too am going to learn from this whole discipline process. The world has taught me how to look good and behave on the outside but Jesus is changing my heart and causing me to actually be good and desire good on the inside.

Here's a great quote from the book I'm currently reading that sort of summarizes what I'm saying:

"When we focus on our children's outside behavior and neglect what is on the inside, we will cause our children to become manipulators. They will learn to please us by jumping through the hoop (by acting the way we tell them to act out of fear of punishment) but they will not learn the righteousness of Christ. As a matter of fact, if we only focus on the laws of outward behavior but fail to train their hearts in accordance with God's Word, we risk them viewing Christianity as a set of burdensome rules. As result they may never experience what it means to truly know Christ and His power to transform lives."

My job as a mother is a high calling, albeit a kind of scary calling, so I am taking it VERY seriously. I know that God has given me a job and I want to honor Him and do it well but I also know that I can only do it with Jesus at my side.

I pray that the Lord will give Ryan and I both the wisdom that we need to raise our children well and that we will be able to shepherd their little hearts toward Jesus. I pray that we won't just focus on how our kids are acting but more on what is going on in their hearts when they are acting out and helping them to see their own sin. I pray that they will come to know Jesus at a young age and follow and serve Him for the rest of their lives.

I think a lot of Christians believe that they have to be joyful and positive all of the time and never discuss or admit to the hard things in life. In fact, there are entire churches dedicated to never talking about sin, Satan or hell for fear of offender their parishioners; all the while forgetting that Jesus talked more about these things than anyone in the bible.

Peter says that we are tested by fire and fire is hot. Fire is uncomfortable. Fire makes you want to scream and cry out in pain, not plaster a smile on your face and tell everyone you’re doing great.

I think sometimes as believers in Jesus we feel pressure to "sell" our faith to those around us and in doing so we feel that we need to make it look appealing. Like selling someone a used car we highlight all of the good parts of our faith and hide the struggle and sin like a busted radiator or a muffler tied up with a coat hanger so you don’t know that it drags on the ground.

The truth is however that sometimes, a lot of times actually, my radiator is busted and my muffler is dragging and sending off sparks in every direction.

We live in a broken world filled with broken people, most of whom don’t believe that they are broken. We sin every day against each other and God and as a consequence we are on fire. So how can we pretend to not feel the flames?

There's a song that I love and one of the lines goes "You never said it would be easy, you only said I'd never go alone.” This song reminds me that the Lord doesn't promise we won’t suffer or that we'll be blessed with money, fame and happiness, but he does promise that he will never leave us or forsake us.

I have a very strong desire lately to be real and not hide what’s in my heart (hence this blog) and if I’m going to do that I have to admit that there is a lot of pain and hurt in my life and there will be until I am in heaven with my savior. Jesus doesn't promise us a life without disease or pain, but if you have put your faith in Him he does promise eternal life in heaven with Him and that is what I look forward to.

Here's a link to a debate that was on Nightline last night on the existence of Satan. Our pastor was one of the folks claiming that Satan does in fact exist.

I thought the debate was really good and thought provoking. I didn't really understand a lot of what Deepak Chopra said which would indicate to me (by his standards anyhow) that I am ignorant and primitive.....but then again I am a God fearing, bible believing christian who loves and serves Jesus so what do you expect. ;-)

Seriously though. I do hold the belief that Satan exists and will one day be defeated finally by Jesus and I think Pastor Mark did a really good job of explaining the biblical perspective concisely and without getting hot tempered. Watch for yourself and enjoy.

..you need to watch this.



This past week our pastor gave a sermon on 1 Peter 3:7 that was incredible. It was not a nice sermon, not one that you walk away from feeling all warm and fuzzy, but it was truthful and necessary. Men, especially Christian men, need to hear about their role as a husband and father and truly understand the importance of being a strong leader.

I thank Jesus for my husband who was encouraged and convicted by this sermon. Ryan is a Godly man who is not perfect but who desires to lead his family well. Ryan understands that he will have to give an account for our family in front of God one day and so he leads with strength, humility and a holy fear of our Lord.

If you are a man you NEED to listen. (Actually if you are a woman you need to too.) As a woman I whole-heartedly agree with what Mark talked about and I wish more men would man up and be.....well......MEN!

Just a quick follow up to my post on Friday. I am doing much better today and I am really in love with my boy and REALLY thankful for my Jesus.

It's late (9:02pm....I'm old) and I've had a long weekend so that's all I got. Love ya'll, thanks for your prayers.

Being a mom is hard.

Today I had at least four occasions where I had to apologize to James, repent to the Lord for my behavior and my ugly heart, and cry out a prayer for help.

I feel broken, defeated and totally incapable of being the mom that God has called me to be. I feel like Paul:


"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." Romans 7:15

"For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out." Romans 7:18b

I love my boy and I love being his mom but today it's a really hard job. I know what I have to do. I have to give this all to Jesus and know that he is with me. I have to remember that he doesn't promise my life will be easy. In fact he says that in order for me to grow into the person God created me to be, to be sanctified, I have to go through trials, be refined by fire.

Today I feel the fire. I flames are breathing down my neck but I have hope. I have hope in Him, in my Jesus.

I didn't write this but I really like it.

There is nothing—absolutely no circumstance, no trouble, no testing that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose which I may not understand at the moment. But as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him, and I accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will cause me to fret, and I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is. That is the rest of victory.

I just read this article and I am in shock.

If you care to read the article (Warning: if you love babies I'm not sure you should.) you'll find a horrifying story of a "botched" abortion. Long story short, a young woman goes in for an abortion at 23 weeks, baby is born before they can do anything to kill her in utero. She is born alive. Once she comes into the world breathing, a woman at the clinic shoves her in a bio hazard bag and throws her in the trash, she doesn't live long.

I cannot believe this happened.

I am not pro-choice. I don't think it is right to ever kill a baby, ever. You can talk about all of the special circumstances if you'd like, baby of a rape, baby has down syndrome or some other disease or disorder, I don't care. The common denominator is that it's a baby. God decides who lives and who dies, that's it.

I am enraged right now and heartsick for this little baby girl. She was early but she had a chance at life.

I really hate this world sometimes.

I read this verse a couple nights ago and was reminded of how much we need Jesus. We are all corrupt and fall short of the glory of God.

I usually love verses about love and hope and peace but recently I am drawn to verses that highlight our failings and sin.

I spent so many years of my life thinking that I was a "good person" and therefore right in the eyes of God. Although this was just was a version of God I had manufactured to fit my needs and desires, not the true God, not the God of the bible, not Jesus.

Now however, I need to be reminded daily that I am a sinner who needs Jesus. I need to be humbled daily and forced to remember that there is no amount of good works that I can perform to earn my way into heaven. Jesus is the only way.

Please read this and cry along with me as you read.

Here's my favorite line from this blog post:

"This Jesus from the Bible is alive today…he is the most painful and comforting person I have ever encountered."

I just read this in the notes of my study bible. This note is commenting on a portion of the book of Lamentations (3:19-24) that has helped me through the day today and has been on my mind a lot lately.

"Belief in God's mercy & faithfulness is the key to a restored relationship with God."

That's all for tonight.

Ryan and I don't usually do much for Valentines day, we never really have, but I just remembered one from years ago that made me smile.

We were in college and I think it was probably our first Valentines day as a couple. We had agreed that neither of us really liked Valentines day all that much so gifts were not necessary. Maybe instead we'd just rent a movie or go for a walk and have coffee. I think I might have bought him a card and a box of heart shaped Altoids or something little like that, but Ryan was a far more thoughtful than I.....as is usually the case.

Earlier that week Ryan had recruited a buddy to help him pick through the QFC candy bin for all of the clear gummy bears they had. I had mentioned to Ryan early in our relationship that I love gummy bears but really just the clear ones...I think they're pineapple...and they have to be the kind that are a little though and chewy, not soft and gummy. I like them better when they're a little stale.

So low and behold, on Valentines day, Ryan presented me with a big bag of just clear gummy bears and a card. I love my husband.

The Lord has blessed me with some absolutely amazing friends, some good friends, and some friends that I call cartoon friends. I love all of my ladies (let's be honest I have no male friends unless they are married to one of my girlfriends or friends with my husband and are therefore a nice consolation) but I wish I knew them all better.

This verse has been running through my mind recently and has really pierced my heart and made me think about my ladies, specifically my cartoon ladies.

"Bear one anther's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

My cartoon ladies are the friends who are always happy and who never seem to be phased by the brokenness of our world. I love these ladies and at times have seen the cracks in their veneer, but because they won't let me in, that's all I've ever seen. They won't share their pain or their suffering with me and all I can do is hope and pray that they are sharing it with someone.

I have a girlfriend who went through something terrible somewhat recently. Something happened to her that changed her life forever and broke her heart. Before this thing happened I would say that we were pretty good friends but I don't think I really knew her. We had laughed together and we had shared some secrets but until her heart was exposed and her junk was put out on the table in lots of tiny pieces, I didn't really know her.

I am sad for my friend who had to live through such a trial but I am so thankful that she did it with me and not alone. I am thankful that she let go of her cartoon facade and allowed me to see her garbage and her sin. Because we have weathered a storm together I feel closer to her than ever. She let me bear her burden too.

I understand that my relationship with each and every friend is going to be different. Not all of my relationships are going to be deep and meaningful but honestly, shouldn't they be, at least to a point?

If you are my friend, I want to know you and I want to be known by you too. I don't want to sit and have coffee and talk about babies or vacations or things every time. I want to talk about your heart and mine and expose my real self to you, the self that I try to hide because I'm afraid you won't like me anymore. I want to bear your burden, see the garbage you've been hiding and tell you that I still love you, no matter what's behind the closet door.

I am a sinner, you are a sinner and the only one who can save us from our sin, from hell, from ourselves, is Jesus. Jesus asks us to give our lives to Him and through his saving grace find forgiveness and solace in His arms; but this is not the end. Along with trusting the Lord with our sin and our brokenness we are supposed to be in community with others to live through our trials together. Supporting, loving and praying for one another.

If you are my friend I love you. If you're not my friend, I want you to be and I love you.

The main preaching pastor for our church was on Nightline the other night talking about Jesus and our church. Here's the video.

I was reading last night before bed and I stumbled upon this passage in C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. I love, and hate, how C.S. Lewis explains things because his writing can be so cumbersome that you don't want to read anymore and at the same time so insightful that you can't put it down.

(C.S. Lewis is explaining how he came to the conclusion that God does in fact exist.)

"My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got the idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust?

If the whole show was bad and senseless from A to Z, so to speak, why did I, who was supposed to be part of the show, find myself in such a violent reaction against it? A man feels wet when he falls into water, because man is not a water animal: a fish would not feel wet.

Of course I could have given up my idea of justice by saying it was nothing but a private idea of my own. But if I did that, then my argument against God collapsed too - for the argument depends on saying that the world was really unjust, not simply that it did not happen to please my fancies. This in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist - in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless - I found I was forced to assume that one part of reality - namely my idea of justice - was full of sense.

Consequently atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be a word without meaning."


Way to go C.S.!

My Mom emailed me this picture of her and my Dad today. I love it!

This is a great picture for a lot of reason (focus in on my Dad's hair please) but mostly because Mom's holding the bible I remember being in our house as a kid. I am not sure what happened to this bible but it made me happy to see it again.

Thanks Mom.

P.S. Isn't Mom a looker?

Lately the Lord has been teaching me about joy and specifically that joy in Him is sufficient and far more than I deserve. I read this verse yesterday and it stirred me up inside so much that I had to jot it down in my journal immediately.

"You have put more joy in my heart than when their grain and wine abound." Psalm 4:7

That is how I feel and how my relationship with Jesus is right now. I am so incredibly thankful for my savior that all earthly riches seem meaningless compared to the amazing gift that He has given me of salvation. I have a passion for reading my bible like I never have before and I find myself praying that the Lord would open up pockets of time in my day so I can snuggle up with His word.

The joy that I feel seems appropriate for this time of year as well. We are embarking on a new year with new possibilities. This year I find myself praying that the Lord would teach me to love people better and to weed out the selfishness and pride that so often consumes me. In fact I will declare it publicly on this blog that this is my prayer for the year (for myself) and a theme that I see in my life right now.

I have an amazing friend who seems to have a theme each year...or at least for the past couple years that I've known her. She prays all year about whatever the theme is that she sees in her life, usually an area of sin that she needs to confess to the Lord and seek growth in, and she keeps a journal throughout the year on this theme.

So in honor of my lovely lady friend, I have a theme or I feel called to pray fervently this year about loving people joyfully and serving others joyfully.....basically not being selfish, as I am so inclined to be, and to find joy in selflessness. (And not the kind of joy that is actually just pride in doing something nice for someone.....yuck I'm such a sinner.)

I am excited about where the Lord is leading me, albeit a little nervous because I don't always understand His ways, and so thankful for the joy He has put in my heart.

Here's another verse for you that keeps running through my mind and was oddly the first verse I memorized as a new christian years ago:

".....the Joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10

AMEN!

"Sometimes talking to a cranky two year old is like trying to have a converstaion with a crazy person."

-Mary Weber (my sister)